I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
