so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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