3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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