i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
