No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
