I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
