i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
