i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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