Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
