Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
