I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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