you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
