Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
