I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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