Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
