there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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