I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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