im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
