Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
