Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
