i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
