I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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