My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?