This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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