My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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