so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
