i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
