Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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