Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
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She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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