did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
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I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
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I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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