the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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