Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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