No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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