you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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