I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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