I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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