It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
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