I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
