There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
