My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
