Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
