what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
