WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
