dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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