yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
