I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
