Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
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I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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