Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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