I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
