So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
