So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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