Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
