i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
