her vagine was all disorganized.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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