Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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