haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
