My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
