I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
