today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Sober January is a disaster.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
