Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
wakey wakey hands off snakey
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
