Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
